Stands the clock at ten to three, and is there guinea pig for tea?

We have arrived in Peru, and although I have seen alpaca, vicuña, and llama on the menu, I have yet to see guinea pig - perhaps I'm in the wrong part of the country? (I didn't want any anyway!)

Getting into Peru was quite a performance, involving many trips to various counters, for the all important stamps, on the vital piece of paper. Each time I thought I'd finished, I was sent back to yet another window, for one more uniformed pen-pusher to importantly add his little stamp to my collection. Then I was thoroughly searched - for fruit and vegetables! - and released! I wound my clock back two hours, and launched myself into the land of Paddington Bear

The first thing that struck me was that - on the Peruvian roads - it is every man for himself. No more "after you" or cheery waves, and woe betide a pedestrian that sets foot on a zebra crossing! The roads are crowded with lorries, taxis, tuk-tuks, scooters, and cars, all doing exactly as they please - it's dreadful. We had a baptism of fire, as we we had to traverse a big town in order to get onto the Panamericana Sur, and tomtom was playing up. I very nearly turned round and went back to lovely Chile

The road to Arequipa followed the Pacific Ocean, in a series of vertiginous hairpin bends, that dropped hundreds of feet to the sea, with no safety barriers at all -it certainly kept my mind on the job! After climbing for several kilometres, the road would then plunge back to sea level, and the whole process would begin again. Throwing crawling lorries into the mix, and buses full of precious European gap year travellers (their parents worst nightmares come true) overtaking on blind bends, made for an interesting drive. I was relieved to reach Arequipa

I reached Arequipa twice, as it turned out, as my heroine failed to make it over 3600m., so Cusco, and Machu Picchu were shelved for this year. Instead I visited a beautiful convent, in the centre of the city. It was cool, and peaceful, set in luxuriant gardens, and - bizarrely - had the look of a rather edgy hotel: Farrow and Ball wall colours, and brass bedsteads, with simple wooden furniture - like a Guardian Weekend Bolthole!

Nasca was next. I stayed in a super B and B., and “did” the sights, before moving on to Paracas, which is a proper seaside resort. This didn’t feel in the spirit of the journey at all, but I made the best of my enormous room, overlooking the pool, and sat on my balcony drinking beer, and eating Pringles, from my mini-bar (I also made myself lots of cups of tea on my little gas stove, but don’t tell the management!) A boat trip, a bike ride, and an outing into yet more desert, saw me once more heading north, this time into the hills, to Lunahuana, which was more like it. My roost for the night was a wooden cabin, set in an old winery, up a very bumpy earth road. It was lovely, and there was even a proper river, in the valley bottom, which provided the irrigation necessary for the orchards, and vineyards, that lined its banks. It was an idyllic spot to linger, before the city loomed

Which brings me to Lima. I’m sure everyone already knows that poor Modestine had a close encounter with a nasty Chevrolet 4x4, that - in avoiding a small car on the left - steered into me instead. Cecilia, the driver, was contrite, and apologised profusely, once she had the opportunity to speak. I am a laid back soul, but I was FURIOUS with her, and did a lot of shouting and swearing: “9000 kms of trouble free motoring, and then this. You stupid effing woman, what do you think you were doing. Look at my effing car” - you get the picture. Cecilia did, for sure. Then I spoilt it by crying, as usual! Anyway, the damage is cosmetic, and will be repaired. It could have been worse, but -when I leave that infernal place -it will be at dawn, whilst most of the lunatics are still in bed, and if  I come back, it will be in a tank

There are a lot of police in Peru (except when you need one!), and at every opportunity, they wave me over. I had been warned that they were inclined  to find fault with some minor detail of the car’s paperwork, necessitating, perhaps,  a smoothing of the way, but they don’t want to see any of that - they just want to take a photo, preferably of themselves at the wheel!

Leaving aside their awful drivers, Lima is an interesting place to explore, and I spent several happy  hours gazing at elaborate church interiors, even seeing the patron saint of dentists, pliers held triumphantly aloft, as portrayed by a sculptor in around 1660. The catacombs, beneath a monastery, were fascinating, and - on emerging, blinking, into the daylight - I very nearly saw the president, as he was about to give a press conference

I’m at the airport now, waiting for my (inevitably) delayed flight to Colombia - Modestine is safely locked into the parking at my bargain Airbnb apartment (in reality, a bedroom, with a kettle, a toaster, and a microwave, in a cupboard!) and I’ll be back to claim her on the 2nd January. We hope to reach El Rio two weeks later - but first we have to survive Quito, and Bogotá!

Have a lovely Christmas and a happy and healthy New Year xx